Ugly is the New Pretty...or IS it?

Most people have trust issues. The world is not a kind or gentle friend. The world and people in general are not trustworthy. We are caught up in this sick cycle of hurt. Because I've been hurt, I hurt those around me, because I don't want to be hurt and it goes on and on. Some people are born with a tougher disposition. I envy them. Some people are a little bit more independent. Some people have a higher pain tolerance; Whether that's from the scar tissue they've developed over the years of wounds or they were simply born that way I don't know. All I know is that I am not one of them.

What I'm discovering on this deserted and dusty path I've been walking is that I am a very loud and obnoxious person. My mind will NOT SHUT UP! And it's not pleasant talk. I had gotten real good at silencing myself. Don't feel that. Don't think that. You're being unreasonable. You're being dramatic. You're being too sensitive. Toughen up. Be more pleasant. Smile more. Laugh more. Enjoy your life. Others have it worse. You deserved that. Be someone that is DESERVING and then maybe these things wouldn't happen to you.

And then more recently those heavy thoughts of rejection have twisted into thoughts of embarrassing pride. Oh, they don't like me? They don't KNOW me. Oh, they disapprove of my actions? I've never been good enough anyway so that doesn't really matter. Oh, make RIGHT choices? Yeah well I made RIGHT choices before and I got screwed over. I'm too much? That's fine I can take care of myself and I don't NEED anyone.

Those thoughts covered up these ones. The ones that I haven't addressed or acknowledged in a very long time. I want to be loved. My heart aches for it. I want to be accepted. I have been hurt. People are CRUEL. Until those things are felt, until they are actually DEALT with it's just like putting a bandaid over a bandaid over a bandaid. And dang. Have you ever seen your finger after it's been covered my a bandaid for a couple of days? The skin is all withered and deformed. Can you imagine the rot that has been going on in the depths of my heart for such a long time because I have never allowed myself to look at my own ugly wounds?

I'm uncomfortable with ugly things. I'm uncomfortable with being weak but I have to allow myself to feel. I hate those prideful thoughts. They make my heart sick. I have to stop the cycle of hurt now before it affects the people I love even more than it already has. It won't be pretty but I would rather be a broken down ruin with a story to tell  than a closed off, cold fortress.